Imperfectly, Perfect

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”      Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

I am who I am…

Here it goes. the very first of its kind. Fighting the need to want it all perfect before sharing, I realize that is the beauty of it….it is imperfectly perfect. Just as it was intended to be.

God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. so why do I??!!?? Jesus was and is the ONLY person who has ever walked this earth free of sin.

First allow me to share with you my disclaimer…

I could start by listing out all of the things that I am not.  But instead of apologizing for who I am not, I think it would be more effective to tell you who I AM

I am a sinner. I am a child of God. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a woman after God’s heart. I am a vessel of God’s love….who is here walking alongside you. Just like you. Craving real relationships. Real examples of God’s love. I am here to be that vessel for God and to do life with you.

I invite you to walk with me on this journey as I walk in faith, just a sinner striving to please my God. To truly live for Him. Come along with me as we witness the little miracles that are all around us. I warn you, be slow to judge, remember I am not perfect, I never claim to be. I fail my God every day, but He is a sovereign and merciful God and forgives me, and each morning that I am blessed to awake again I am afforded another opportunity to please Him.

The Rebirth…

Growing up in the suburbs of Colorado I came to know Christ as a little girl and accepted Jesus as my savior at the age of 11. But life has not been rainbows and sunshine ever since that day. In fact, I have been in a battle for my life ever since. Satan and his lies did not fade away instantaneously when I accepted Christ as my savior…he only grew more motivated…

Recently I was brought to my knees and my faith was renewed as a result. I was coming out of a really dark season in my life. I had been focused solely on what I did not have…I was miserable and unable to see all of God’s blessings around me.

One night, with my heart pouring out in pain, I began journaling again. It has been a long time since I last put any thoughts, praises or prayers on paper. Like I mentioned before, I was just coming out of a very dark season. I was going through the motions, but had almost entirely let go of my faith.

I was Angry. Angry at myself for the choices I had made leading me to this point. Angry at my kids for not listening. Angry at my husband for not being all that I had unfairly expected him to be. Angry that he couldn’t mend my broken heart. I was angry at the world. More than anything, I am ashamed to admit, I was angry at God. I had no control over these things and the more I tried to control the people and things in my life the more I struggled in it……

I began to write and I cried out to God. Why haven’t you answered my prayers?!? I immediately was convicted of my own sin. Right away God prompted me to look inward. The 2nd line of that first journal entry began to beg for God’s forgiveness. It took only a second for God to respond to my cry….He was prepared…He knew this day was coming…He was not surprised…

He broke apart the lies so I could see more clearly…

I was experiencing some of the worst pain I have ever felt. I felt so alone, yet He had never left my side. He was right there with me all along. Waiting….patiently loving me and holding me…weeping for me as I denied Him the glory over and over again. He loved me all the while…waiting for me to reach out to Him. To call out to him – I SURRENDER!!

I had been paralyzed by fear. But I began to ask myself, what is the alternative? What if my worst fears come true…then what?! I fall on my knees and beg for His mercy?! NO WAY!! I am not willing to wait for that fear to become a reality. When it hurts so much already, I couldn’t bear the pain…so…I cried out to God in this exert from my journal that first night:

01.19.2017
please God forgive me for my sins. I am not the person, friend, or wife I want to be. I trust you Lord – I am sorry I doubted you. I am sorry I lost hope.
I don’t want to feel rock bottom. I trust in You to help me over come – to come out of hiding, afraid I’d let you down. Thank you for your grace.
you gave your life for mine, I believe I deserve your love.
I am really battling the enemy of my fears. Lord I pray you would protect me from the lies of the devil. Lord put a hedge of protection over me and my marriage.
I trust in you Lord and your plan even if it doesn’t look like the path I most desire. I will be faithful to you as you have been to me.

“It is no longer we who live, but Christ who lives in Me”  Galatians 2:20

This is where I drew a line in the sand. Just like we teach in business leadership, you must first make a decision. Declare your will. Plant your flag and burn the bridge so there is no return; and finally maintain a no-quit mentality.

I made the conscious decision to just be me, without apologizing. I feel that I have been living in somewhat of a cloud most of my life, trying to please and be whoever they wanted me to be. Just swaying in the wind. I had heard it numerous times: “If you don’t stand for something you will fall for everything” but I didn’t think that applied to me…here I was just hoping to survive the day. But I don’t just want to survive anymore. I want to thrive. I want to be a God-fearing mom and wife and be the best version of me right now. I desire to be a vessel of God’s love.

GOD DOESN’T WANT OUR PERFECTION, HE WANTS OUR HEART…

I have been made anew. From this point forward I surrender my life to Him. I give up my right to it all. I give up my right to a perfect marriage. I give up my right to perfectly behaved children. I give up my right to a perfectly beautiful and clean home. I give up my right to a successful business. I give up my right to trying to please others… I surrender it all to Him.

Just as I was beginning to doubt myself and put off, yet again, this dream of writing my story, a dear friend reminded me: GOD DOESN’T WANT OUR PERFECTION, HE WANTS OUR HEART!!!

I invite you to come along with me on this amazing journey of self-discovery and a life-worth-living-on-purpose-for-Christ. Witness first hand how when a heart surrendered “seeks first the kingdom of God and his righteousness” (Matt. 6:33) what blessings of abundant clarity and peace, joy and love follow.

I am not just willing to die for my God anymore… I am willing to LIVE for Him.  To face my fears head on as EVERYONE is invited to witness me in my perfectly imperfect daily walk with the Lord guided by the Spirit. With Him EVERYONE WINS!

I invite you to join in the journey…. My hope is to make an impact, inspire thought and keep the conversation going….comment as you feel so inspired…I would love to hear your voice and your story…

it’s here in the ashes I’m finding treasure…it is in the wound that the light can shine through…

photo credit @razamacraz

8 thoughts on “Imperfectly, Perfect”

    1. Thank you Trinity…it is truly God inspired. this has been a dream for so long, but never had the courage until now…learning more every day. I appreciate you and so excited to see where God will take and grow our new friendship.

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  1. Like you I strive to be perfect and worry about what people think. You have inspired me to look at my life and learn news ways for me to live a godly life.
    Look forward to following you on this journey and excited for what it will bring into your life. Love you 💖

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    1. These are the sweetest words I could ever hope to hear. If my vulnerability supports you in your walk and inspires you to grow in your faith, it will all be worth it. I love you dearly. You are my best friend. My biggest cheerleader. And I want you to feel this burning desire for the Lord as much as I feel it. It is the most free I have ever felt…I supprt you in all you do. I will be praying for you.

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  2. I’m proud of you. I just finished reading your blog posts. My first thought when I started reading it the other day was: “how on earth is she going to have time to write a blog?!”, but then I read it, and I get it. We tend to fill up our empty space with empty things, or we create busyness when loneliness is the culprit, and hours can pass by with nothing really gained but filled and empty time.

    I hope you get your hearts desire through this journey (psalm 37:4), and a continued renewal of faith and understanding of who God is in your life and in the lives of those around you.

    And when all else fails…. cry like a girl!

    I have found that when I started my journey to be authentic, that there was a renewing of my soul, which meant there was more goodness and rawness for evil to try to sink into. Keeping my eyes focused on God is what keeps the enemies at bay.

    I’m excited to see where “unapologetically you” takes you this year. Remember, it’s for you. Be real. Be raw. And only apologize to Who is above you, not around you, for that.

    Love you K, and miss our late night movie dates & chocolate covered almonds! (Remember this: Excuse me sir, would you mind moving over a seat, we’re just a couple of moms looking for a little break from the kids to see this movie!)

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    1. Thank you Shanna. I appreciate you and your friendship more now than ever. Thank you for your love and support and example. you make me giggle (“geez” to the guy at movie…praying for him) ! …Oh the places we will go…only He knows!!! love you!

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